- v50 information can now be added to pages in the main namespace. v0.47 information can still be found in the DF2014 namespace. See here for more details on the new versioning policy.
- Use this page to report any issues related to the migration.
40d:Stories/Archive 16
۞Something Awful - Let's Play Dwarf Fortress۞DF
IMPORTANT: The amount of cursing used in the following stories is very bad would make a dwarf's head explode. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
BoatmurderedDF
The one that started it all. Read it here.
HeadshootsDF
The modern equivalent of Boatmurdered. Read it here.
SyrupleafDF
The sequel to Headshoots, being just as epic, and even longer. Read it here.
Kelilrom - The short lived dreamDF
At the year 134, Urist and his team of skilled dwarves arrived at Kelilrom, the wonderful twin peaked-mountain that the prospectors told contained so many riches that a new adjective would be needed to describe the vast amounts of minerals.
It was mid-winter when they had arrived, so it was extremely cold out, and there was no running water, however they had a decent supply of booze. The men said they'd be happy to drink booze alone for a while. Urist started drawing up a plan for the fortress he wished his men to dig out. He drew a main stair-well, a secure entrance and some decent temporary bedding and workshop areas. He told the mason to set up a short-term workplace just outside, and to make a single door. The surrounding areas were the most sinister he had seen. The skeletal elephants eyeing at him from across the pit of magma. He wanted to make a front door, to keep everyone safe.
The men were working well. The stair-well had been dug downwards as far as any dwarf could, and would dig, ere they strike hell itself. The front-door had been installed, and locked, making Urist safe at mind. Urist told the diggers to start digging upwards, so they could eventually get some bedrooms.
Urist was deadly thirsty, he didn't get to have a drink that morning because he was scared the skeletal elephants were just a bit too close. He unlocked the door, and saw the elephants were far away, so he locked the door up again and went to get a drink. Suddenly, a cries of fear and shock came from inside the fortress. He heard some of the men banding on the door. He tried to get his key out to unlock the door, but he was so fiddly he couldn't get the right one. The yelling stopped. He stood back, key finally in his hand. He went forward to open to door, dreading the worst.. whatever the worst would be. As soon as he turned the handle, water came pouring out. He struggle for breathe as he tried to escape the flow. He stood to the side, seeing 5 of his comrades' dead bodies. He was speechless. Suddenly, his 6th comrade came flowing out of the fortress. He stood up, taking his bearings, when he saw the dead bodies. He was stunned for a moment. The two men stood there, looking onto the men that had spent at least 10 months with. The comrade suddenly when insane, chucking a tantrum. He proceeded to beat in the head of Urist while calling out the name of his now dead lover, crying. He sat for a moment, hating Urist for planning the fort the way it is. He then decided to jump into the mamga pit. He ran over there with an aimless step. With a tear on his face, he went to the edge, ready to fall. Then he decided not to. First, he would make a burial for his lover. He began walking over the to wagon, when a skeletal elephant charged into him, breaking his lower spine.
As the elephant came to finish it's job, he said with an expressionless face: "Life is not fair.".
The real storyDF
I accidentally made an upward staircase into the bottom of an underground river. I didn't have enough time to rewall it, and I had forgotten that I had forbidden my main entrance. 5 of my dwarves drowned. My woodworker was inside at a higher level when he had a tantrum. He ran around, killed Urist, then ran outside through a different entrance. He then ran around outside, near the magma pipe, until he got too close to a skeletal elephant and got kaplowied in two shots.
Ducim Kizesttulon Etagzunek, ChampionDF
This is the story of Ducim Kizesttulon Etagzunek's rise to champion status and earning the respect of his fellow dwarfs.
Ducim entered Ostoslan (Foldedwound in human tongue) as a simple peasant. At that time, the outpost was in need of a small defence force to protect the hard working dwarves from the dangerous wildlife in the area. So, Ducim was drafted into the unexperienced force of recruits as a marksdwarf. However, before Ducim was able to train in the art of the crossbow, the fortress was attacked by a party of goblins. Because the dwarven force was still green, none of the recruits had any experience with their weapons. The dwarves still managed to hold out against these weak goblins, taking 4 casualties with Ducim killing 3 goblins. Seeing Ducim's success in smiting the goblins, many dwarves where turned into marksdwarves and trained for the next year.
Early next year the dwarves where visited by a human caravan with many great warriors which the dwarves looked up to, but while the fortress traded for extra food and animals, the Dragon Usmok Karaostri Palathmistrum arrived seeking to take the riches that the fortress held. Seeing the Dragon coming Ducim prepared the troops for battle but some where still recruits and many where scared by the sight of the approaching Dragon. The Dragon raced at the troops and started roaring fire at the scared recruits but the marksdwaves (seeing as that was what most of them where) all opened fire at the ferocious beast striking it all over but it was Ducim that scored the killing shot which struck the Dragon in the head. Ducim was promoted to legendary status after that shot and was loved throughout the fortress for it, evening winning the heart of one of the first settlers of the outpost.
After one season, the fortress was attacked by the next siege. This time 3 squads of goblins came. This outnumbered the force of dwarves ready to fight for the fortress. The battle that followed was a bloody fight. All of the recruits were killed by the merciless goblins and even all the trained dwarves could not survive the force of the goblins. The only survivor was Ducim. She emerged wounded, taking a shot to the head from a hammer and a bolt in the arm. She was quickly raced into her room and stayed there, unconscious, for 3 years while her wounds healed. Her husband spent every spare second looking after her and caring for their 1 year old son.
When she woke up, the fortress was a different place. The population was nearing 100 and the dwarves where all new and unfamiliar to her. With her husband by her side she was shown down to the new barracks, and was quickly informed of the 3 battles that had passed with all but one being succsesfully defended. The loss of life was huge, however, and Ducim new that this fortress needed proper defences. With her as the guide, the fortress was equipped with a moat and traps to prevent the vile goblins from getting into the fortress. But before the defences could be completed the fortress was attacked by the largest siege yet: 12 squads of goblins. Duncim rallied the troops and prepared for another battle with the goblins she hated so much. The goblins stopped at the edge of the half prepared defences and their leader Hammer Lord, Estrur Astruksodur stepped forward and called at the dwarves "Is this it? The fortress that has been defying my attacks has been a half developed hole in the ground?" The goblins behind him laughed wickedly at their leaders remarks. The dwarven recruits where scared stiff by this display of power, but Ducim was not shaken. She simply drew out her crossbow aimed at the ugly creature that stood before her and fired. The shot hit the ugly face of the goblin leader and his body crumpled forward, falling into the half dug channel that surrounded the fortress. The goblins around the Hammer Lord stared in silence at the dead body of their leader and quickly turned tail and fled. The Dwarves cheered for Ducim and she was instantly crowned a champion. The rest of the goblins, now unnerved by the death of their leader, charged at the dwarves but they where cut down by the now up-lifted dwarves.
Duncim still lives to this day and is the leader of the military at Ostoslan. She is admired by all the recruits. Since that battle the goblins have been sending out small squads, which are cut down by the defences that Ducim finished. Since the construction of the defenses, there have only been 10 casualties in battle. Duncim the Champion, the Lover (she has 7 kids) and defender of Ostoslan.
They Tried, AnywayDF
The small outpost of Complexgate, founded by the Syrup of Murders, was founded far from the old mountainhomes of the Iron of Indignation, and its inhabitants expected to get plenty of harassment from the local goblins and kobolds with little support from the rest of the kingdom. What they didn't expect was to be beset every year by as many goblin warriors as there were dwarves in the fortress, envious of dwarven wealth and dwarven beards. Traps alone would not suffice to hold off the encroaching raider bands, and the Fortress Guard had to be kept in reserve as a last line of defense should the tunnels themselves be breached. The first batch of recruits came, of course, from dwarves who lacked any useful talents. With nothing else to lose, these soldiers accepted that they would be expected to lay down their lives for the fortress.
After months of drilling and training, the militia came to be good friends, with each other and with the Fortress Guard, and love blossomed amidst the camraderie in more than one instance. Two of these star-crossed lovers were Domas Oddomegast and Dodok Athelerib, a pair of noble, full-bearded souls who were admired and well-liked by the whole fortress. Alas, tragedy befell when the fisherdwarves were ambushed by a lone goblin maceman before Complexgate's southern entrance (the Syrup of Murders has more than lived up to that name; it's very easy to get lost in Complexgate). The first to arrive on the scene as Bomrek Risentashem breathed his last was Domas, gripping his steel hammer with determination no softer than the cold metal. The goblin scarcely threw its shield up before Domas crushed it to the ground, smashing its chest in through its thick iron mail.
Yet no sooner had Domas claimed victory, lifting his warhammer and shield in exultation while Dodok and his fellow soldiers looked on with smiles and cheers, when a iron-tipped arrow zipped down from atop the westward cliff and bounced off the rocks at Domas's feet. Cold horror gripping his heart and slowing his thoughts, the hammerdwarf could only look up the unsympathetic chalk rock face, to the dark figures standing atop, silhouetted by the setting sun. Finally urging his sluggish body to motion, he made a desperate dash for the fortress doors, but it was too late. Clever goblin eyes picked out the chinks in his formidable steel plate, and cunning goblin fingers sent cold metal piercing through those gaps; in a hail of goblin arrows, Domas cried out and fell, never to rise again, hammer and shield falling from his lifeless grasp as his lover and friends looked on helplessly, in horror.
Dodok was never quite the same after that. She threw herself into every sparring match; soon she surpassed poor Domas in mastery of arms, becoming one of the mightiest soldiers of Complexgate. Yet perhaps she worked too hard; it was not at the hands of goblins that she met her end, but her fellow dwarf and friend, the morose Hammer Lord Rith Rithodgub, who accidentally struck her down while they sparred. Rith had lost his own lady love, Ber Rithkodor, to the goblins before killing one of his remaining friends. Already inclined to sadness and melancholy, Rith lives on, though almost all of his comrades from the old days have perished in battle, and the thin-bearded striplings who have taken their place cannot understand why his voice quivers sometimes, and his hands shake pathetically when they are not clutching hammer and shield.