40d:Unfortunate accident

This article or section has been rated D for Dwarf. It may include witty humour, not-so-witty humour, bad humour, in-jokes, pop culture references, and references to the Bay12 forums. Don't believe everything you read, and if you miss some of the references, don't worry. It was inevitable.

Nobles are an unhappy sort. They are cursed with highly refined tastes that are difficult to satisfy. Because of this burden, they often fall prey to tragic accidents. Here's a simple guide to averting the particular banes of the upper classes.

Entertaining lever

Any dwarf of high standing should have a well-crafted lever among the amenities in his spacious quarters. If he should find himself stressed by overdue mandates, or accidentally locked in his room, he can amuse himself by pulling it repeatedly. Pulling levers is one of the few tasks only fit for nobles, after all. For some nobles, pulling a lever is a show of solidarity with the working classes. "See? I contribute to the well-being of our great civilization! I understand the plight of the pump operator, the mechanic, and the craftsdwarf!" Other, more anal retentive nobles have levers installed so that they can pull them in the optimal sequence before calling for the production of adamantine piccolos. Some nobles call for a lever to be installed as a bell-pull, the better to alert the rest of the fortress that one of their nobles has a request. Whatever the reason, be sure to include a high-quality lever in all of your nobles' quarters.

A lever can be made personal to a specific noble in the q Profile for that lever, just as if it were a common, lowly workshop.

Impressive spike

What could be more dwarven than a menacing spike? Better make it retractable, in case your noble needs the space. Put this steely symbol of dwarven strength in one of your noble's rooms, possibly next to the lever.

Hammerers just can't get enough spikes.

It is worth noting that nice masterwork steel spike encrusted with rubies looks very nice and may boost the room's value.

In-room waterfall

All dwarves love the soothing mist of a waterfall. Why not give your noble an opulent waterfall of his own? The hypnotic cascade of falling water will help relax him after a hard day of mandates, and the soothing sound will help him sleep. Take care that the drainage system is working properly. Any obstruction could cause the room to fill with water, and water can ruin the best leather cloaks. Remember to put an attractive grate over the drain, to keep anything from falling in and stinking up your plumbing.

Private zoo

Everyone loves a zoo. Why not put a savage, exotic beast right in your noble's room? Who wouldn't want to see a giant desert scorpion or zombie carp every day? Just make sure it doesn't escape. It may be prudent to hook this up to another lever in the noble's room, so they can secure the cage door if the creature somehow manages to escape.

Impressive Throne

Your highest noble will meet with various visitors and emissaries in his throne room. To give him that extra edge in negotiations, make it intimidating. Put a magma pool right there in the throne room. Watch as your fortress wins valuable trade agreements at the table, securing the future for your great dwarven civilization. No glittery gold throne, either. Make one out of iron, or steel, or some other material with a high melting point.

Vault of Kings

Nobles are precious and fragile things. To make sure that your nobles don't get injured in battle, you might want to hook up their chamber doors to levers so they can be sealed firmly in case of invasion. Since the noble trapped hiding safely secured inside wouldn't know when it was safe to come out again, best to put the lever somewhere outside. That way, once the confusion of battle is over some dwarf will surely miss the noble and remember to release them so they may reach the food and water stockpiles again.

For extra impenetrability, construct a wall in front of the door. Be sure to make note which section of wall the noble is behind so you'll be able to find it again later when it's time to let him out!

Sacred pulpit

For the most regal of nobles, nothing less than a balcony perched above a pool of magma will do when trying to get the attention of the underlings. The construction of such a sacred pulpit is elaborate, but a true noble would expect nothing less.

A support must be built on the edge of a sheer cliff overlooking the attention-getting feature (magma is always impressive, although a pulpit overlooking the chasm can also produce a pleasing resonance). A bridge must be built to the edge of this support, and a floor placed on top of the support. Provide the noble with a lever on top of this floor which retracts the bridge -- it's not a proper pulpit if the masses can reach the noble while he or she speaks. The lever is also connected to the support beneath the floor -- this is a safety precaution, we are told.

Before using the system, an additional lever should be built elsewhere in the fortress that attaches to the bridge, in case the noble's lever should... happen to jam. Then invite the noble to inaugurate the platform by pulling the sacred lever placed on top of it. Be certain that only the noble is allowed to pull this lever -- it would not do to have a commoner desecrate the holy pulpit.

Each noble who wishes to use the pulpit must be provided with a newly-built platform (column, floor, and lever). Only the best for our nobles.

Demonstration of military might

Nobles are prone to worry, and reassurance is often hard to come by. However, many a noble is comforted by the sight of ballistae hurling spears across the countryside. As such, you may wish to treat some of your nobles to an artillery show. Build a ballista emplacement, and a spot for the noble to watch from. This noble spot should have a channel around it, to prevent any wild animals, perhaps enraged by the spears hurtling through their habitat, from getting at them. Make the central throne accessible by bridge, with a lever on the Noble's island for retraction. Ask your noble to pull the lever, and begin firing. Be careful not to put your noble in the line of fire, for ballista bolts are traditionally engraved with the words, "To Whom It May Concern".

Madhouse Sealed noble-exclusive area

Why the hell should nobles sleep, eat and do nothing work next to the pleb? They really should have a sealed area, which only they can enter. The workers can simply drop needed goods through a pit. But be careful that they really do this, since we don´t want our nobles to become angry or unhappy and kill each other/themselves.