40d:Unfortunate accident

This article or section has been rated D for Dwarf. It may include witty humour, not-so-witty humour, bad humour, in-jokes, pop culture references, and references to the Bay12 forums. Don't believe everything you read, and if you miss some of the references, don't worry. It was inevitable.

Nobles are an unhappy sort. They are cursed with such refined tastes, that are so hard to satisfy. Because of this undue burden, they often fall prey to tragic accidents. Here's a simple guide to averting the particular banes of the upper classes.

Entertaining lever

Any dwarf of such high standing should have a lever in his rooms. If he should find himself stressed by overdue mandates, or accidentally locked in his room, he can amuse himself by pulling it repeatedly. Pulling levers is one of the few tasks fit for nobles, after all.

Impressive spike

What could be more dwarven than a menacing spike? Better make it retractable, in case your noble needs the space. Put this steely symbol of dwarven strength in one of your noble's rooms, possibly next to the lever.

Hammerers just can't get enough spikes.

It is worth noting that nice masterwork steel spike encrusted with rubies looks very nice and may boost room's value.

In-room waterfall

All dwarves love the soothing mist of a waterfall. Why not give your noble one, right in his very own room? Take care that the drainage system is working properly. Any obstruction could cause the room to fill with water, and no one wants that. Remember to put an attractive grate over the drain, to keep anything from falling in and stinking up your plumbing.

Private zoo

Everyone loves a zoo. Why not put a savage beast in your noble's room? Who wouldn't want to see a giant desert scorpion or zombie carp every day? Just make sure it doesn't escape. It may make be prudent to hook this up to another lever in the noble's room, so they can secure the cage door if the creature somehow manages to escape.

Throne Room of Doom

Your highest noble will meet with various visitors and emissaries in his throne room. To give him that extra edge in negotiations, make it intimidating. Put a magma pool right there in the throne room. No glittery gold throne, either. Make one out of iron, or steel, or some other material with a high melting point.

Vault of Kings

Nobles are precious and fragile things. To make sure that your nobles don't get injured in battle, you might want to hook up their chamber doors to levers so they can be sealed firmly in case of invasion. Since the noble trapped hiding inside wouldn't know when it was safe to come out again, best to put the lever somewhere outside. That way once the confusion of battle is over some dwarf will surely miss the noble and remember to release them so they may reach the food and water stockpiles again.

For extra impenetrability, construct a wall in front of the door. Make sure to make note which section of wall the noble's behind so you'll be able to find it again later when it's time to let him out!

Walk the plank

If your insolent Duke likes to have every one of your (already scarce) glassmakers struck down because of the typical violation of production order, then this suicide technique might be a good choice. In my case all my fortress guards were all legendary wrestlers whom think a simple beating involves a Vulcan death grip. The only drawback is that this trap doesn't reset, in otherwords, you will have to re-build it after use.

Step-by-step instructions

The basic idea is to build a rock floor plank over a deep pit or magma vent (or even just lava) held up by a support and accessed by a bridge.

1. Build the support on the edge of the pit, chasm, or magma vent (or whatever)
2. Build a retractable bridge to it (not over-top of it, just to it) from solid ground one z-level above the pit
3. Build a lever at a safe location and link it to the bridge
4. Build a long floor tile plank starting from the top of the support over the pit using the bridge for access
5. Build another lever at the end of the plank and link it to both the bridge and the support
6. Set the workshop profile for the lever to the noble you would like to be rid of
7. Pull the lever

The lever will retract the bridge and blow the support at the same time leaving your block floor with nothing to hold it up and thus it will collapse with your trapped noble upon it. Although the plank, support and lever will be destroyed, you may be able to recover the mechanisms from the lost lever (I did).

Obviously you can hold off on the last two steps until your ready and that's the beauty of this trap: it's ready when you need it, and only takes a minute.

Rebuilding the trap

To rebuild the trap, replace the support and extend the bridge using the remaining lever. Then follow from step 4.

In closing

It's really quite ironic to watch the noble pull the lever and note how he can "lose his footing for making poor choices"

Now where did I put that crystal glass aquarium...