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[[Category:Humor and stories]] | [[Category:Humor and stories]] | ||
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==[[User:Termitehead|Termitehead]]== | ==[[User:Termitehead|Termitehead]]== | ||
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On his way back to the castle the warrior swung the sword around his head, singing cheerfully as he skipped along. A small quick hand darted from the branches above and snatched the sword from his grasp. The warrior yelled and searched the trees above for a glimpse of the thief. A pair of yellow eyes stared back at him. A kobold! | On his way back to the castle the warrior swung the sword around his head, singing cheerfully as he skipped along. A small quick hand darted from the branches above and snatched the sword from his grasp. The warrior yelled and searched the trees above for a glimpse of the thief. A pair of yellow eyes stared back at him. A kobold! | ||
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==[[The Toad Preservation Society]]== | ==[[The Toad Preservation Society]]== | ||
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The child levitated higher, close to the ceiling, and looked down upon the quivering monsters. "With my power, I shall build the greatest mini-forge the world has ever known!" The dwarf was enveloped by the purple light and passed through the ceiling. | The child levitated higher, close to the ceiling, and looked down upon the quivering monsters. "With my power, I shall build the greatest mini-forge the world has ever known!" The dwarf was enveloped by the purple light and passed through the ceiling. | ||
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==[[User:Trukkle|Trukkle]]== | ==[[User:Trukkle|Trukkle]]== | ||
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Doran looked down at his lunch. "I... I guess I'll finish the rest myself." | Doran looked down at his lunch. "I... I guess I'll finish the rest myself." | ||
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==[[User:Urist McCheeseMaker|Urist McCheeseMaker]]== | ==[[User:Urist McCheeseMaker|Urist McCheeseMaker]]== | ||
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"Of course, Asmuk," said the young man, lounging on the wooden stool. | "Of course, Asmuk," said the young man, lounging on the wooden stool. | ||
"How could you doubt me?" | "How could you doubt me?" | ||
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==[[User:Xarph|Xarph]]== | ==[[User:Xarph|Xarph]]== | ||
Line 1,245: | Line 637: | ||
The End | The End | ||
− | ==[[User: | + | ==[[User:ToonyMan|ToonyMan]]== |
− | ===( | + | ===(16 January 2009)=== |
+ | <pre>DDDDDDM,..@EU@@EU@UE,.</pre> | ||
− | + | Sword and axe clashed again and again as the fighters struggled to | |
+ | best each other in mortal combat. Arrows rained down on the field of | ||
+ | battle as man, elf and dwarf fought at once to win the day. Randar | ||
+ | took up the sword for the dwarves. With his mightiness he tried to | ||
+ | kill Giltra of the elves, but the champion was too fast. The battle | ||
+ | seemed endless. Roars of terror and pain were everywhere. Just then | ||
+ | a squadron of dragons appeared, lead by Madnar the Evil. Could there | ||
+ | be any hope? | ||
− | + | ===(14 January 2010)=== | |
− | + | <pre>DDDDM,.,.s/\@.,.E@E@E@E</pre> | |
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− | + | The combatants turned to face the dragons as they landed. Madnar dismounted his towering red monster, followed by a short stranger, his eyes dark and shining. Randar stroked his beard as he observed the young warrior. He carried a sword of strange design. Giltra would not wait. She notched an arrow and fired before anyone could blink. The young swordsman knocked it out of the sky before it could reach Madnar's chest. | |
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− | + | "Fools," chuckled the villain, "allow me to introduce Lord Strider. His powers are unmatched in this world. Now you see there can be no hope." | |
− | + | Randar set his heels and charged, sword raised. Lord Strider struck a martial pose and set out to meet his dwarven adversary. As they met, the sound of steel ripping steel echoed across the battlefield. As the dust cleared, the dwarf found himself gloating in victory. Strider lay broken and sullied, his weapon shorn in two. Madnar was horrified. Had his reign of evil come to an end? | |
− | + | ===(18 February 2011)=== | |
− | ===( | + | <pre>.,.M\@,.sssssEssss</pre> |
− | <pre> | ||
− | + | The boy's body churned and twisted, though cut in two. The dwarves watched, horrified as the two halves stood, bloody gore bubbling over their severed ends. Madnar cackled with glee. Sensing the danger, Giltra shouted, "Randar, quickly, or there will be two of them." The evil king watched, amused, as the heroes rushed to do battle with the demon. | |
− | - | + | With passion, the dwarf and elf did damage to the multiplying demon. No matter how hard they fought, the army of demons kept growing, chop after bloody chop. That was when Randar saw Madnar giggling in his dragon-saddle. Without warning, the dwarf moved. |
− | + | With one swing of his axe, the dwarf hero struck off the head of the dragon. He pushed off of the dragon's neck with his boot, and in a second was in the saddle with the cowering Madnar. The dwarf pulled a knife from his boot and put it to the evil king's throat. The army of bloody demons turned away from the elf and looked to their new master. | |
− | + | "Release the elf," commanded Randar. | |
− | " | + | "I," stuttered the king, "I lack the power." |
− | + | The dwarf saw the villain fiddling with a talisman around his neck. Randar took it from him, a blue jewel, the color as deep as the sea. With one mighty kick, Randar sent the king tumbling onto the battle field. Seeing what was to come, the elf backed away. Randar held the jewel high. | |
− | |||
− | + | "Demon from the Underworld," cried the dwarf, "devour that trembling sack of filth!" | |
− | + | ==[[User:Vattic|Vattic]]== | |
+ | ===(27th December, 2010)=== | ||
+ | <pre>kBkBkBkBkB"",."".,\U\U\U\U</pre> | ||
− | + | Thunder across the midnight plain. Captain Gilroy and his men had | |
+ | been marching all day in the driving rain, all to bring news of the | ||
+ | defeat at Tradalfadad. If they did not reach the castle soon, the | ||
+ | king's legions would be unready to face the enemy already at their | ||
+ | doorstep. Gilroy looked at the thick grass to the sides of the | ||
+ | trail. Something charged out of the grass behind him, knocking one of | ||
+ | the soldiers senseless. | ||
− | " | + | "Bacabadabis!" |
− | + | "Kobolds," shouted Gilroy. "Make ready!" | |
− | |||
− | + | The knights drew their swords as out of the grass charged a dozen | |
+ | menacing beasts, kobolds on their backs. Keebis Clan, thought Gilroy, | ||
+ | the boar riders. The head kobold was a mean-looking creature, not | ||
+ | cowardly like the rest. Gilroy took aim at him and lowered his visor. | ||
+ | He set his leg and charged, sword raised over his head. Unflinching, | ||
+ | the kobold kicked the sides of his wild boar and held his spear for | ||
+ | the kill. | ||
− | + | ==[[User:Zai|Zai]]== | |
+ | ===(19 December 2010)=== | ||
+ | <pre>,.,CT,.,.</pre> | ||
− | + | The mining of the dwarves was as an irritating vibration in the bronze giant's head. For five hundred years he had struck a heroic pose. Now his anger was so great, he must act. Stiffly at first, the colossus dismounted his pedestal. A jungle had grown up around his temple since he had been placed there. Where were those who worshiped at the shrine? Dead, while the dwarves lived? There would be nothing left of their mountain but rubble. | |
− | + | As he passed through many lands, his anger would not fade, for it was as large as he was. He did not usually care for what he stepped on, but this time was different. He stopped for a moment and looked below. Underneath his foot was a tiny speck. He pinched it up and held it before his eyes. It was a giant tortoise. | |
− | ===( | + | ==[[User:Usurper|Usurper]]== |
− | <pre>@ | + | ===(7 January 2011)=== |
+ | <pre>~~~~~~~@,...,.,</pre> | ||
− | + | The calls of the loons echoed across the misty lake. Aliz had come | |
+ | here from the mountain to seek answers, and as he looked up to the | ||
+ | hills leading down to the water, his heart still felt sorrow. He was | ||
+ | cursed, you see. Every weapon he made would break, and every | ||
+ | foundation he laid would falter. This was an ill fate for a dwarf. | ||
+ | Aliz fell to his knees at the water's edge and prayed to the faeries | ||
+ | that dwelt there. | ||
− | + | "Why do you cry, Aliz?" said a resounding voice. | |
− | |||
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− | " | + | "All the work I do is of dust," cried the dwarf. "Why do the gods let me live?" |
− | |||
− | + | "But your weapons are destined to bring down giants," said the voice, | |
− | + | "and your works to last till the end of time." | |
− | |||
− | |||
− | |||
− | + | ===(7 April 2012)=== | |
+ | <pre>~~~~~F@,.,.</pre> | ||
− | + | As Aliz lifted his head, he met the eyes of a girl. She was | |
− | + | beautiful, as magic spirits go, but also terrible. Any dwarf could | |
+ | tell you how the ghosts of the woodland tricked them into doing this | ||
+ | and that. Aliz was no fool. As he rose the spirit came to him. It | ||
+ | had a hammer in its hand. | ||
− | "But | + | "Take this tool," said the faery. "I give it to you freely. It has |
+ | the power to create anything you can imagine. But know this, in order | ||
+ | for it to work, you must use it to destroy something of greater or | ||
+ | equal value." | ||
− | + | Satisfied his curse was broken, Aliz skipped back to town, whistling a | |
− | + | merry tune. He thought of the wonders he would create once he reached | |
− | + | the dwarf fortress. Sitting on the back of an oxen cart, Aliz | |
+ | withdrew the hammer and looked over the many designs etched in its | ||
+ | surface. They seemed to change before his eyes. | ||
− | + | "Destroy something of greater or equal value," Aliz said. | |
− | + | "What did you say, little man?" said the ox driver. | |
− | + | "Nothing," said Aliz, drawing his cloak over the hammer. | |
− | + | "Firesign Fortress," said the driver. "You made it." | |
− | + | "And I will re-make it," muttered Aliz as he jumped from the cart. | |
+ | ===(9 September 2012)=== | ||
+ | <pre>[[++\@|,..,.,|+++@</pre> | ||
− | + | Firesign Fortress was the pride of the dwarven empire. Beings of all | |
+ | races came from far and wide to marvel at the wonders there. Aliz was | ||
+ | no exception. He looked on the domes and spires of the mountain home | ||
+ | with both pride and jealousy. One day, he thought, one day it will | ||
+ | all be mine. | ||
− | + | That night he set up shop in a low-rent part of the fortress. There | |
+ | he began the secret work of using the magic hammer. At first it | ||
+ | seemed ridiculously hard. He would smash a table and recreate it in a | ||
+ | second. But he could not make his fortune doing this. | ||
− | + | Frustrated beyond reason, Aliz roamed the hallways. He stopped at the | |
+ | glass window of Kogan's dress shop. Looking at his hated reflection, | ||
+ | he hurled the useless hammer through the glass. Instantly coming to | ||
+ | his senses, he climbed through the broken window, took the hammer and | ||
+ | fled. | ||
− | + | Back at the shop, he felt the hammer tingle. The designs on the metal | |
+ | seemed to glow with their own light. He took the hammer to the anvil | ||
+ | and began to hammer out the very air. At last, sitting on the anvil, | ||
+ | was a perfect beer stein. | ||
− | + | "You," said a voice from behind. It was Kogan. "Why did you break my window?" | |
− | + | "It wasn't me," said Aliz. | |
− | + | So began Aliz's life of crime. All over the fortress things went | |
+ | missing or were right-out smashed. All fingers pointed to Aliz, but | ||
+ | he flatly denied responsibility. All the time his smithy business was | ||
+ | booming. The sheriff knew something was up. It was only a matter | ||
+ | time before the villain made a mistake. | ||
− | + | ==[[User:Ves|Ves]]== | |
+ | ===(08 February 2011)=== | ||
+ | <pre>,.@@@Ugg,..,.,?J?</pre> | ||
− | + | Some say the world rests on the back of a giant tortoise. Only few would know for sure. The dark wizard Afbacam was fleeing from justice when he escaped through the cracks of the earth. Ramet followed him. He was hero to his tribe, and with all the villages' money, he had hired a band of dwarves to take him through the darkest recesses of the world. | |
− | + | "The gorlak said he went that way," screamed the dwarf, "so he went that way!" | |
− | + | It went on for hours like this. Ramet and the gorlaks watched inside the dark grotto as the dwarves fought and cussed. They had been traveling the dark roads underground for days. There was no sunshine, and the whiskey had long since run dry. Ramet took to his feet and sighed. Slowly he meandered toward the direction the gorlak indicated. | |
− | + | "Don't venture there alone," suggested the little yellow creature. "The Jabberer might get you." | |
− | + | ==[[User:USP45|USP45]]== | |
+ | ===(23 May 2011)=== | ||
+ | <pre>gBgB,.,,,.,,..,@,.e.e</pre> | ||
− | + | The beak-dogs could not hunt by smell. It was with their bulging | |
+ | black eyes that they could see through any disguise. On their backs | ||
+ | the goblins rode. They were chasing escaped prisoners, two elves and | ||
+ | a dwarf. The dwarf couldn't get far. Not as far as the elves. Not | ||
+ | in this country. | ||
− | + | "Hurry up short-stuff," said the elf. "I can hear the beak-dogs chirping." | |
− | + | Aliz the dwarf thought it might be better if they did catch him. | |
− | + | ===(12 April 2012)=== | |
+ | <pre>,.,@~~~.,Bg.,Bg,.</pre> | ||
− | + | "Run for your lives," shouted Aliz. "I will take out this trash." | |
− | + | With the chain that bound him as a slave, Aliz rose up against his enemies. One beak dog skidded to a halt before him. The goblin rider sneered and lifted his spear. The other beak dog tried to charge past but Aliz threw out the end of his chain and caught the thing around the neck, causing it to spill its rider in a cloud of dust. | |
− | + | The surviving beak dog let out an ear-piercing chirp. The rider hurled his spear but missed Aliz with his failed attempt. The beak dog moved slowly backward as Aliz began to swing his chain. The goblin rider howled and brandished his saber. Aliz took him out with an expert stroke of the chain. | |
− | + | Now free of all control, the beak dog reverted to its predatory instincts. Face with the crazed fury of the wild animal, Aliz turned and fled. As the beak dog gained up him, Aliz did something unthinkable. He leapt onto the lower branches of a tree and pulled himself up. The monster's beak snapped shut right below his feet. | |
− | <pre>,. | + | ==[[User:Tharwen|Tharwen]]== |
+ | ===(17 October 2011)=== | ||
+ | <pre>g,.-,.\@@,.</pre> | ||
− | + | "He's not worth it, Gatal," said the dwarf woman. | |
− | + | Gatal lowered his crossbow. The goblin looked pathetic and beat-up. | |
+ | All his fellow thugs were dead. Still, there was no reforming their | ||
+ | kind. The best thanks he could hope for was a dagger between the | ||
+ | ribs. He raised the sights of the crossbow to his eyes. | ||
− | + | "No!" cried the goblin. | |
− | + | The bolt barely missed the goblin's ear. He scrambled up and ran into | |
+ | the woods. The dwarf woman took her hand off Gatal's crossbow. | ||
− | + | "I told you he wasn't worth it," she said. | |
− | + | "And how do you know such things?" grumbled Gatal. | |
− | + | The dwarf woman snapped her fingers and it began to rain. | |
− | + | ==[[User:Timtek|Timtek]]== | |
+ | ===(17 March 2012)=== | ||
− | + | <pre>~\U/~e~~</pre> | |
− | + | Those were the good times, only yesterday. Any child born this day | |
+ | would begin their life in an age of darkness. The dwarf fortresses | ||
+ | were all shut, blocking out the evil that now flooded every city and | ||
+ | hamlet. Sunlight itself was a thing of the past, for now black clouds | ||
+ | crowded out the sky, raining blood on the helpless beings below. | ||
− | + | "If only my child were like a seed, blessed Lenge," cried the | |
+ | desperate mother, "to plant in the ground, in order to spring up in a | ||
+ | better day." | ||
− | + | The baby grew silent. Tears pouring from her face, the girl carried | |
+ | her baby outside and set it beside a large stone. There she dug a pit | ||
+ | and placed the child inside. With a quick prayer to Lenge, she began | ||
+ | to fill in the earth. | ||
− | + | Many years later, an elf girl found the old house deserted. Nothing | |
+ | stood but rubble and an odd stone in the ruined garden. The elf tried | ||
+ | to read the odd script on the smooth rock. | ||
− | + | "Here lies my son, Arkur," said the elf girl. "May Lenge protect him." | |
− | + | The earth began to shake and a giant leaf sprouted from the ground. | |
+ | It unfolded and revealed a young man, naked inside. The girl | ||
+ | approached. As if bound by a spell, she touched his cheek. His eyes | ||
+ | opened and he rose. | ||
− | + | "There might still be time," he said. | |
− | + | ==Ulurius== | |
+ | ===(16 April 2012)=== | ||
− | + | <pre>T%,.%@~,.\U,.,U</pre> | |
− | + | As the black bear ran, Betan could feel the cold air burning in its | |
+ | lungs. An invisible line connected the heart of the beast to Betan's | ||
+ | crossbow. The marks-dwarf let out one final breath and let fly. The | ||
+ | animal fell tail over snout and skidded to a halt before an old pine | ||
+ | tree. Betan emerged from behind the log where he had been hiding and | ||
+ | brushed the snow from his nose. | ||
− | + | "Capital shot, Betan," shouted Duka. | |
− | + | The man child Duka, like Betan, was just another hireling, bound to | |
+ | the caravan. Ever west they rolled, over snowfield and desert, bound | ||
+ | for the fabled adamantine mines of Shoutrock. The pay almost made it | ||
+ | worthwhile for an average dwarf, but Betan was anything but ordinary. | ||
− | + | It was the call of the wild that Betan answered. That, and an end to | |
+ | the troubles at home. As he watched Duka run toward the kill, he took | ||
+ | a swig from his flask. They were deep in the savage wilds now. It | ||
+ | was Betan's duty to deal with the local wildlife. He had tracked the | ||
+ | bear far from the caravan. Maybe too far. | ||
− | It | + | "It has been a while since I've had a dwarf to eat," said a voice that |
+ | seemed to sound inside Betan's head. | ||
− | + | He turned to see an enormous black panther with a single green eye in | |
+ | the center of its forehead. Betan lifted his weapon, but the monster | ||
+ | batted it out of his hands with a swipe of his claw. Without even | ||
+ | thinking, Betan launched himself backward into the air, pulling his | ||
+ | knife at the same time. He landed on his feet, three spans away. | ||
− | + | The monster approached. Everything in its nature was predatory, an | |
+ | evil spirit of the forest. Not content to lay down and die, Betan | ||
+ | jumped at the panther, brandishing his weapon. The creature leapt up | ||
+ | too and the pair collided, tearing and slashing until they slammed | ||
+ | into the ground in a bloody mess. | ||
− | + | "Betan," pleaded Duka. "Can you hear me Betan?" | |
− | + | "He has shot his bolt, kid," said a deep voice. | |
− | + | It was Cuthom, the leader of the caravan. Betan had always thought of | |
+ | him as a father, or maybe an uncle. Though human he wasn't that much | ||
+ | older than Betan, but he had a pragmatic way about him dwarves | ||
+ | admired. The old man rubbed his hands together and breathed into | ||
+ | them. | ||
− | + | "We'll have to bury him before another one of those man-eaters finds | |
+ | him," said Cuthom. | ||
− | + | "But he isn't dead yet," cried Duka. | |
− | + | "Then you will wait with him," said Cuthom as he turned back toward the wagons. | |
− | + | Panic clawed its way through the pain as Betan blinked his eyes, | |
+ | looking first at the body of panther beside him, then to Duka. It | ||
+ | wasn't only Betan who was afraid. It wasn't long at all until Duka | ||
+ | began to pace back and forth. Betan thought the boy might actually | ||
+ | try to kill him. | ||
− | + | "You'll be dead in another minute," said Duka, "but there is no sense | |
+ | in me waiting." | ||
− | + | The boy walked over to where the crossbow landed in the snow. He | |
+ | lifted up the weapon and walked back over to the fallen dwarf. | ||
+ | Absentmindedly, he brushed the snow from the bowstring. | ||
− | + | "You won't be needing this where you are going," said the boy. | |
− | + | With that, Betan was alone. | |
− | + | "It seems I misjudged you, kid," said Cuthom. It was not a compliment. | |
− | + | The only man looked at the crossbow in Duka's hands. The telling | |
+ | crafts-dwarfship said it all. | ||
− | + | "You may need that pea-shooter where we are bound," said the caravan master. | |
− | + | - | |
− | + | The wilds of Allsphere were boundless, extending endlessly in every | |
+ | direction. Only a fool would think to set their dimensions on a map, | ||
+ | or worst still, to set across them unprepared. But who could prepare | ||
+ | for the treachery of those closest to him? | ||
− | + | A trail of red lead away from the scene of the slaughter to a still | |
+ | pond from which Betan drank. He washed his wounds and found that, | ||
+ | though serious, none were mortal. The worst was his leg, the bone | ||
+ | snapped in two just below the knee. Tears streamed down his face as | ||
+ | he thought of justice not done. | ||
− | + | It was not justice in the end that moved him. As he lifted himself up | |
+ | against a tree, he thought of Cuthom and young Duka. It would be | ||
+ | revenge that spurred him on. His wrath would pick him up and set him | ||
+ | against those than wronged him. Then the pain returned. One step | ||
+ | before the next. | ||
− | + | ==uggi== | |
+ | ===(18 September 2013)=== | ||
− | + | <pre>@/g<</pre> | |
− | + | Life in the shadow of evil. The villagers of the Slusian Plain were | |
+ | never safe, not when Darquan and his goblins were on the loose. Even | ||
+ | the dwarves in their mighty fortress feared him. But it is said that | ||
+ | even those who stand the tallest shall lay as low as the rest of us in | ||
+ | the end. | ||
− | + | Outside the village of Otla was one such bully. His name was Dulcus, | |
+ | and he was Darquan's general in charge of the Slusian invasion. He | ||
+ | was resting in his camp outside of town when the word came that one of | ||
+ | the sentries had gone missing. He called for his armor and stepped | ||
+ | outside. | ||
− | + | One of the main failings of goblinkind was their lack of peripheral | |
+ | vision. The minute he emerged from the tent, Dulcus swung his head to | ||
+ | the right. Had he first looked to the left, he would have lived a lot | ||
+ | longer. As it was, the great dwarf adventurer Aliz, was waiting, just | ||
+ | to the side, prepared to take his life with an enormous axe. | ||
− | + | ===(28 June 2014)=== | |
− | + | <pre>U++++%@++</pre> | |
− | + | "Dulcus!" cried the goblin watch captain. "Dulcus!" | |
− | + | In time the goblins would find their leader's headless body, but by | |
+ | then Aliz was long gone. The hero made good time, racing through the | ||
+ | Otla woods, avoiding goblin sentries as he went. Outside the city | ||
+ | gate, he made the bird call that was the secret password. Once | ||
+ | inside, he made his way to the king's feast hall. | ||
− | + | People of the human race stopped in their tracks to marvel at the | |
+ | dwarven specimen of herohood. Aliz was half a span taller that the | ||
+ | tallest dwarf. His tan skin was stretched over ripped muscles. His | ||
+ | beard was full and black. On his back was slung the axe named | ||
+ | Pain-striker. In his hand he held the severed head of Dulcus, | ||
+ | dangling by the violet hair. | ||
− | + | "It was a mistake to do this," said the king. "Brave though it was, | |
+ | killing Dulcus has thrown our defenses into disorder." | ||
− | + | "How could slaying the wicked general be a mistake," asked Aliz, | |
+ | genuinely confused. | ||
− | + | "I knew how Dulcus thought," said the king. "It was as if I could | |
+ | read his mind. He never made a move I couldn't predict. Now he will | ||
+ | be replaced by another, unknown to me." | ||
− | + | "Then I will slay them too!" cried Aliz. | |
− | + | "You cannot take on the entire goblin army by yourself," said the king. | |
− | + | "Just watch me," said Aliz. | |
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