40d:Stories/Archive 3

The mayor who could^AD

One soft spring day, when the flowers were blooming and the wind was blowing, while the mayor was drinking his morning ale, a large, glistening figure bashed it's way through the door. The mayor wasn't concerned about it, many adventurers had come in like this in the past. The mayor was going through the usual,
"We're quite untroubled here," phrase in his head when a booming voice yelled;
"Hello. My name is El Evelecit. Do you need any service?"
The mayor was quite startled at how feminine the voice was. When he got a better look at this figure, he could see that El was actually a woman.
"Oh, er, actually we're quite untroubled here," stuttered the mayor.
"Ha ha ha," boomed El, "wrong choice, mayor."
The mayor was quite confused about this statement, but before he could ask, El had ripped off the mayor's loincloth, and started beating the mayor with it relentlessly. After a couple strikes, the mayor, who was only a farmer was already quite scratched up. Luckily, the mayor had taken an emergency wrestling class, just for things like this. He grabbed El's hand and started punching her giant face. El was surprised the mayor actually tried to stop her, but she just beat the mayor with his loincloth some more. The mayor thought about the situation and, became enraged by the fact he was getting beaten up by his own undergarments. And with one last punch, the mayor managed to get enough force into the strike that El's whole upper body have exploded in gore.

And that is why, to this day, people still praise "Urist Genamotir 'Womanpunch'".

The Chef's Fine Dish^DF

In the desert haven 'Umidastis' (Fallendunes) We rely on only one man to make our delicious food, Our fine chef Rith Iditon. He recently made a lovely -Plump Helmet Stew- for us to dine on, here's a description of this delicacy..

I think it needs a bit more Plump Helmets...

Keeping the new boss happy...^DF

After a highly contested election, an immigrant miller and plant-gatherer named Kel Sazirdodok won the post of Mayor of Sikelsazir from the previous incumbent, who grudgingly vacated his rather nice quarters to the newcomer. However, Kel's ego was quickly inflated by his new role and he began oppressing his compatriots and demanding a better office.

An intrepid mason instantly began work in secret on a project to soothe the leader's ferocious temper. After some days of secret work, he unveiled the incredible artifact he created - a native gold quern inlaid with tiger iron, in honor of Kel's former profession. It was immediately installed in Kel's office as a conversation piece to impress diplomats, and everybody went home happy. Sometimes, late at night, Kel can still be heard grinding away at some cave wheat in his office...

Flushed Away...^DF

I had started a fortress with an idea in mind: a true 'underwater' fortress, with long stone towers extending from the bottom of a vast lake...

I chose a spot that had both a brook and a large series of gullies, which I walled off to make a containment area for water. I then started my fortress at the bottom of one of the gullies, digging out caverns around the open space, going up a level and building bridges across, and so forth. Several game years went by while I prepared the area... I knew once I started filling the gully, I would be unable to build any new towers or constructions, so I aimed to make as many empty chambers and rooms as possible.

Eventually I got bored and decided to go ahead and start up the lake... a quick channel dig got the process going. It actually took YEARS to fill the gully up. Eventually it was about 2/3 full. If I had left things at that, maybe I'd still be playing, but alas, I had another idea...

So, we all have nobles who show up, boss our favorite dwarves around, and contribute nothing to the fortress, right? So I decide to build a beautiful opulent set of noble quarters right below the bottom of the lake. With a flood gate connected to a reservior fed from the lake bottom, and a wall grate leading to a chasm for the overspill. (Yes, the map had chasms as well.) Unfortunately, this was one of those ideas I should have implemented BEFORE I started filling in the lake. And I should have read the Wiki a bit more carefully about water pressure...

My poor miner never knew what hit him; he was sent flying on a torrent of water and smashed into the wall. I'd built 3-4 doors behind him in case of accidents. They were BLOWN open by the force of the water, and my whole fortress started slowly flooding from the bottom up. The worst part, though, was what happened to the topside water level; it became a giant whirlpool spiraling down... like a flushing toilet.

Don't Feed the Spiders^DF

In the year 201, the fortress Rovol Zarut "Sanctum of Insanity" was founded. It had a frustratingly slow first year: the cat died wandering off into the mountains and was eaten by a giant cave spider, the stockpiles were littered with huge chunks of stone, and the farms were grossly overproducing for such a small fortress. By 202, the seven Dwarves running the place were praying to Armok for a wave of immigrants.

Armok, it seems, has a sense of humor.

It was late spring. Word reached the dwarves of Rovol Zarut that they would finally be getting their much-needed wave of immigrants. What they weren't told was the chosen route. For you see, on the ill-fated first day of the first of Felsite 202, the immigrants arrived in the region... just south of the very giant cave spider who had killed the cat the year before. The screams of pain and suffering could be heard for miles as the first immigrant was paralyzed, drained, and discarded.

To call it a bloodbath would be an understatement. Not one Dwarf out of the 20 new immigrants survived, and even the original 7 were not spared either as they rushed to pick clean the corpses of their would-be allies. On that day, a giant cave spider gained a title of infamy, but none lived to say it aloud. Every last Dwarf was dead before the first of Hematite, struck down by a very poor choice of entry.

If nothing else, these unfortunate 27 Dwarves justified the fortress' name. To this day, no Dwarf will return to the Sanctum of Insanity, for fear of death by that which slew an entire wave of immigrants and the fortress minders in under a month.

The Epic of Tholtig Cryptbrain, Queen of the Bronze Orbs, Ruler of Circletower, Elven Genocide^DF

This is the tragic but inspiring legend of Tholtig Momuzidek Lelumdoren, "Tholtig Cryptbrain the Waning Diamonds," and the bloody century and a half-long war with the elves that she was born into and died within. It is long, for it chronicles the epic of an entire dwarf civilization, but there is a screenshot at the end that summarizes her greatness.

I discovered her story while I was browsing legends mode tracing the many wars of the era (I was looking for a world with a long history and interesting events to engrave, and had therefore increased the size of megabeasts to 70, except for hydras, which I increased 140) and happened to notice her name appear over and over, throughout the decades.

She was the fifth and last ruler of the dwarven cilization known as the Bronze Orbs, and ruled the mountainhome of Circletower. Her grandfather Meng Emetmistem Tirdugzodost Urrith, "Meng Freshportal the Brutal Rot of Scarring," had been the first of their line to rule Circletower, after the only daughter of the first ruler since time immemorial had died childless, slain by a titan after ruling for only less than a year. Meng had earned the throne after he himself stepped up to duel with the titan, driving it off but receiving a heavy wound to his lower body in the process. It was Meng who had started the war with the elves, incensed over their devouring of sentient beings. In the year 81 He led ten of his best dwarves against fifteen of the elves of the Steamy Winds, slaying five of them in exchange for two of his comrades. Several dwarves who would go on to earn fame and honor earned their first kills in that first conflict, among them Goden Leafybridges the Talon of Shooting (294 kills), Tosid Stockadefortunes the Lined Friend (146 kills), and Goden Routedgates the Jade Planes of Braving (23 kills).

However, Meng had picked as his foe a powerful elf civ on the rise. During the same years as they fought with the dwarves, the Steamy Winds declared war on the humans and a goblin tyranny ruled by a demon - it was a world war of unimaginable scale. Cities and forest retreats were stained with the blood of literally tens of thousands of the dead, settlements were razed repeatedly by both sides as they fought over them, and the fortunes of empires often turned on a single battle. By the end of it all, over 250 years later, the great elven forest that once stretched across the map was reduced to scattered outposts, but this was long after the passing of Meng and his daughters.

Meng died forty years after claiming the throne in 113, and the skulls of 91 elves decorate the mausoleum where he was laid to rest. He had outlived all but one of his children, the rest having been slain (but thankfully not devoured) by elves. The only survivor, Metthos Rodercatten Notlith Am, "Metthos Baldedchanneled the Ruin of Speaking," (101 kills) ruled for only seven years before her death leading the Bronze Orbs to victory against a force of elves that outnumbered the dwarves more than 6 to 1, leaving the throne to her only daughter, the aforementioned Tholtig, who had just turned 30. There had been no other children because Metthos's husband had been slain by elves two years after Tholtig's birth.

The odds would only get worse after her death.

As soon as she could raise a hammer at the age of twelve, Tholtig had joined her parents and grandparents on the battlefield. The dwarves had no choice, for their losses were so great that they needed every pair of hammer-wielding arms they could find. By the time she ascended the throne in 121, she had slain 48 elves and a cyclops, but the amount of dwarves left capable of wielding a weapon numbered less than ten. Nonetheless, she led them to victory in her first assault against the elves, but it was a Pyrrhic victory that saw the deaths of two of her children, including her eldest son.

The war saw the rise of numerous heroes and their offspring: among them Alath Pageplaited the Circular Tongs (60 kills, slain by a hydra in 103), Olon Orblabors the Fenced Sandal of Shadow (Alath's brother, 118 kills, became a diplomat halfway through the war and stopped going to battle), and Unib Lancemet the Way of Boiling (the sister of Alath and Olon, 8 kills, slain by an elven arrow), and Mafol Drilledhammer the Violence of Forests (Son of Tholtig, with a mere 5 kills before death by an arrow) Many elf heroes of the wars with the humans and goblins, flouting long titles earned by the lives they had ended, themselves met their end at the hands of Tholtig or her brothers and sisters in arms. A typical battle might see 281 elves arrayed against a mere 4 dwarves, only for 96 elves to perish with all 4 dwarves surviving, yet this continued year after year. There was an elf leader who met each of the dwarf heroes in battle multiple times for eight years and escaped, before Tholtig finally killed him in their third duel. However, as time passed, the elves only grew more numerous, while the dwarves, their numbers decimated by constant warfare and their children dying without offspring, only grew closer to ultimate defeat.

Tholtig married Logem Uthmikmelbil Gosterudosiddor, "Logem Shaketomes the Hoary Men-larks," son of the heroes Leafybridges and Stockadefortunes from the first battle between the dwarves and elves and brother of Alath, Olon, and Unib. Unlike previous rulers of the Bronze Orbs, Tholtig and her husband had many children, numbering ten in all. However, fate was against the Bronze Orbs: eight of her children died at tender ages shortly after taking up arms against the elves, and even the two who survived the wars met misfortune elsewhere. Her youngest daughter, Urist Joinedrings the Permanent Scars, who had slain 176 elves and survived countless battles, was slain by a hydra, but most tragically of all, Tholtig's eldest daughter and heir, Erush Racktoned the Rough Miseries of Quiescence, was slain at the age of 90 having slain 1007 elves, by the same titan that her great-grandfather King Meng had driven off to claim his title, which had suddenly returned 100 years later to plague the Bronze Orbs.

However, time was a foe that even legendary force of arms could not overcome. In 200, five years after Tholtig mourned the passing of her heir, an adventurer slew that same hydra that took the life of Tholtig's youngest daughter and brought an end to the Age of Legends. By then, only three dwarves remained to defend Circletower: Tholtig, her husband Logem, and Obok Willbolt the Drinks of Ruining, a venerable dwarf who had witnessed the rise of Tholtig's grandfather and the beginning of the war a century ago, and amassed 1654 trophies, and of course the diplomat Olon, who must have then been regretting the pacifism had cost him equal glory.

Lacking children to carry on and therefore hope, the remaining dwarves slowly slipped away, Obok in 227, Logem in 237, and finally Olon the diplomat in 242. For nearly ten years, from 237 onwards, Tholtig defended her ancestral home of Circletower alone. Each of these years year saw one hundred or more elves lay siege to the empty halls where Tholtig's entire clan lay sleeping, only to be driven back in bloody defeat. Alone she stood, hammer in hand, the only force between her home and firey conquest. Despite the injustice of chance that had taken away her children and the inevitability of defeat she held her ground until at last in 246 when old age struck her down, something no mortal weapon could have aspired to. And so fell the last dwarf of the Bronze Orbs - and with Tholtig's death ended their entire civilization and history. Tholtig had lived for one hundred and fifty-six years, all of which had seen no peace for her, and outlived all of her children, her friends, and her husband. Logem, the second-to last of the dwarves to pass on, had died with 1955 kills. To give an idea of how many Tholtig had killed, it took one minute and thirteen seconds to scroll from the top of her entry to the bottom.

The Kills of Tholtig Cryptbrain the Waning Diamonds, Last Queen of the Bronze Orbs and Ruler of Circletower: