User:EricBlank

Just so I have some text on this page, I'm going to explain the current state and history of my only remaining playable fort. The others are missing something I modded in and can't remember where it went or it's tags/attributes so I really can't do anything about that.

Location

Love-armors was founded in 80, by the group called The Gloves of Strapping, of the civilization known as The True Bust, on the plane of Amethaecamo.

Interesting horrifying note

If there weren't enough references to sex in that, then it will help you to know that I gave every living creature in the game genitals, including gender-specific ones for gender-specific species, anuses and rectums, bladders and urethras. It makes their deaths even more hilarious when they bleed to death out their assholes after falling into the river and being eaten alive by carp, sea lampreys, longnose gar, or pike. On another note, no carp has of yet been named for it's blitzkrieg of death, nor has any begun one, while the other three species all have at least one named member, one of which is still alive.

The body, ending in an ass.

The fortress itself is built into the northeast bank of a river fork, a massive 20-30 wide river flowing down the west side and a small 4-wide tributary coming from the east. It's less of a 'bank' rally, and more of a cliff, since the larger river goes right over a 5-story waterfall right next to the fort.

In the first year, 80, I suddenly realized that my civilization didn't even HAVE battle axes or hatchets to send with us, which meant we became excessively trade dependent, and ironic considering we were in a heavily forested area. Luckily, the woodsman, Willow, was almost immediately devoured from the bottom up by a pike, who was later slain by a war dog who had just stood there while his master died in the most horrific manner, so far that is.

While the dwarves were trying to get over it, I planned a swimming pool to prevent them from drowning/being trapped, and giving them some chance to survive, it works, but is very difficult to organize them to make sure everyone gets their training. There is a central stairwell which provides passage through the first four layers, which are all soil, and into the stone beneath. While there is an aquifer, it interferes very rarely, since it's mostly just random pockets of damp soil, and has given one of my citizens a nice well of endless water to drink from. Which leads to the next point, everyone has a bedroom, there is a grand dining hall, and many upper-class citizens have fully furnished homes. There is also a temple that will soon be fully decorated, and already has coffins for the entire current population, of 40, with around 60 more dead...

History of Failure

Since the first year, the fort has been besieged non-stop by orcish warriors and goblin raids, with the occaisional raccoon or monkey. They always arrive in tune with the caravans, and wreak havok, such as slaughtering an entire leptol (my own creation) caravan, which led to my retarded dwarves trudging north along the river to the site, and 6 of them, including 2 blacksmiths, 2 craftsman, a wrestler, and her baby, were eaten or drowned by/because of a longnose gar. The baby was actually torn from her mothers hands (or tossed in) by the fish, and eaten alive while her mother stood there, doing nothing, not even getting bad thoughts until it was actually dead. Then she jumped in and was also eaten alive. The fish was finally put down by a pair of marksmen.

Such is life in the fortress of the stupid. Speaking of which, a tantrumming marksdwarf killed the finest stoneworker in the entire fort, Stoner, a legendary miner, mason, and engraver. His female counterpart, Mini, has since taken over, but was forced to labor and loiter outside for several months to prevent the onset of cave adaptation, and thus the others have nearly caught up with her. Our replacement to the position of Head Woodsman, Oak, lost his legendary marksman of a wife that same month when I fatally miscalculated the time the drawbridge needed to be closed, killing her, several other soldiers, and a number of orcs when it finally did raise. He, however, remained 'ecstatic' up until his death in a goblin raid while drinking outside the walls. Our first mayor went insane when failing to make an artifact requiring thread, which we had plenty of but for some reason wasn't registering, four more have died for that very same reason. The second mayors dying breath was mandating the construction of silver items, during a goblin raid that somehow got inside the front gate, followed by two more from across the west and south bridges. The third mayor ended his term normally, except that he was in bed the entire time, but was then killed while resting his leg, during another fateful goblin raid, which took 3 other lives. The current mayor has done nothing particularly interesting, nothing good, nothing bad. He's really just been idling, even when he is requested at the trade depot. I will have his name changed to Jimmy Carter, he is however a legendary record keeper, and has been mayor for several years now. The position of Sheriff has been changed only once, after the original, Assy, who was a bit of a murderer herself, was killed in... a goblin raid... I really detest goblins. Fortunately their raids have been kept at bay thanks to the introduction of rows of cage traps at both the bridges and guards at every entrance. We've so far caught 30 of the bottom-feeders, over 50 orcs, 2 black bears, a pheasant, two raccoons, five rhesus macaques, and a wild raik (my first creation, which function as dogs do when tamed, and are immensely powerful).

One of our marksmen recently plunged headlong over the side of the bridge spanning the main river in order to murder a carp, and was then attacked by another carp. He survived and was eventually rescued. The black bear we'd caught escaped and spent several minutes to kill one person, whom nobody even attempted to save, even when recruited. The bear decided to walk into an unused hallway so I happily sealed it in, and no-one has heard from her since, besides the incessant growling, scratching, and occasional roaring coming from behind a poorly-built stone door.

Recently an elven caravan came to trade, but i made the mistake of giving them wood, so they promised war and started packing. I chose to seal them in behind stone walls, build a stone floor overhead with only one connection, and cut that connection. It killed 5 in a cave-in, injuring the sixth, and without harming any dorfs besides knocking them unconscious. The remaining elf later went berserk so she was killed in the hallway, breaking one persons arm, and causing another draftee to go berserk, subsequently ripped apart by the dogs. I'm not sure if this will lead to a finally consisting of a tantrum spiral or not.

Future plans

I plan to use the waterfall as a happiness booster in the future but that is currently not plausible.