v0.31:Stories

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Illustrated battle report: Bronzemurder vs. Oggez Rashas

A masterpiece engraving of dwarves and the forgotten beast Oggez Rashas. This engraving relates to the battle of the fortress of Bronzemurder.

Legend of the Noble Staff of Whispermines

The mountain home of Crystalhaven was destroyed long ago by the shrew devil Eyuca Frightcrumble the Insensitive Goad, and their bodies assembled into a grotesque pillar by her henchmen. A band of giants ransacked the the mountain home of Rainedhammers, picking over it like vultures at a dead carcass. All that remains is the mountain home of Workenjoys, which dwindles in numbers at the hands of goblin snatchers and evil dwarves from the dark fortress of Haterampart.

Too many Nobles in the last of the mountain homes. I can feel political backbiting and carefully placed snide remarks working their vile magics, and it won't be long until the threat becomes a crossbow bolt from a masked assassin. The goblins of Haterampart must be stopped, but the nobles of Workenjoys are too absorbed in petty bickering to pay the matter its due attention. So I make plans to establish a new fortress east of the goblins, and build an army to defeat them. Thus is the beginning of Whispermines. - AngleWyrm 02:21, 28 April 2010 (UTC)

Dwarf Flume

A dwarf has died 'after colliding with an obsticle?' A glitch, surely. How could a dwarf run into a wall so fast as to be killed?

But then another!

On the third I see what is going on. A forgotten beast had earlier gone on a rampage through the fortress, destroying a door keeping back the waters of an underground river. As part of an effort to reclaim the flooded territory, drainage tunnels had been dug. Dwarves, on their way to dig more relief tunnels, were being caught up in the flow while wadeing - sucked through a hole in the floor into a labyrinth-like tunnel, twisting around as the water changed directions, and finally launched by the hydraulic pressure into the former water store cisten - to be smashed against the opposite wall, then dropped five levels into a pit of water.

No that's YOUR job

Momuz and Rigoth are walking from the fields, back to the new settlement. Momuz rubs his head, scowling. "Armok, I'm thirsty."

Rigoth glares and flares his nostrils. "You never drink, that's why you're thirsty. You're always going on about the prickle berry season."

"Yes, well, that's because I care about my work. Not like those jokers that called themselves the '40d' dwarves that were in here. They'd walk half way out to the berry field, then say 'you know, it's time for a drink' and you wouldn't see them for hours. Me, I'm a herbalist, and I'm serious about it."

Rigoth grunts. "Yeah, those guys weren't worth much. Oh dwarf alive. I could use a drink too."

Both dwarves enter the dining hall / tavern. All around are half dead dwarves, crying for drink.

"WE'RE SO THIRSTY" they all say.

"Yeah, well, you guys are always thirsty. Still... you're in a TAVERN... why aren't you all drinking?"

"THERE'S NO ALCOHOL!"

"Really? I didn't see any notes about that.... Why didn't you drink water? What happened to the stored water we had?"

"Stored water? You mean that time we tried making a stairwell upwards under a lake? That stored water?"

"Well yes!"

"That's not a well, that's a flooded stairway. You can't expect me to drink water from a stairway. People walk there! YOUR CAT left a dead lizard on those stairs. Plus, I never did find out where you've been going to the bathroom..."

"Oh. Well. I guess someone should make alcohol then... who's job was that anyways?"

(both dwarves drop dead)

"Weaponsmith and Cave Crocodile", a poem by Urist McShakeSpear.

This is a story about a Cave Crocodile and Tulon Olonurrïth "GearedScarred", a Weaponsmithess, who were dramatically involved into fatal relationship.

Chapter 1.

Tulon rambled at a cavern forest, looking for logs that lazy woodcutter left laying on the ground. Suddenly an unknown voice called her - "Oh, lady dwarf, it must be Providence itself that led you here! I'm an ancient dwarven prince, who has been turned into a beast by evil witch, and only the kiss of charming dwarvess can transform me back!". And a large pale cave crocodile came out of the tower-cap tree. He crawled toward her and asked politely - "Oh, will you kiss me?"
And Tulon replied - "WHEEEEEEEEWWW! A LIZARD!!! WHEEEEEWWW!!! DON'T COME!!! I HATE LIZARDS!!! HEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!" - and ran back toward stairs back to her safe home.
Crocodile roared - "Wait! Wait!! You can't just run away and left me here! WAIT, YOU!!!" - and rushed after her.
...
After several hours of chase the Crocodile finally managed to knock her down on muddy floor and said - "Well, now you have no choise but to fulfill my needs. JUST. ONE. KISS. And you can leave safely wherever you want."
Tulon - "NO! NO! GET AWAY! GET AWAY YOU SLIMY LIZARD!"
Crocodile - " NO WAY! I'll get this damned kiss, even against your will! NOW!"
Tulon managed to stand up, but Crocodile jumped towards her with intention to get this kiss by force. He grab her head with his jaws...
...OOOOOPS...
The headless body of Tulon Olonurrïth slided down the muddy slope...
Crocodile - "Oh f#$k. And what now? Centures of crawling at the darkness with only one hope, and now this imbecile riuned it all. Well, at least I hope she wasn't the only female at this hamlet above. And I hope they ain't such reptile-haters"
And Crocodile crawled to the narrow corridor. Suddenly a cage fell from above, locking him inside.
Crocodile - "Oh, GREAT..."

Chapter 2.

After several hours of awaiting a dwarf peasant came.
Crocodile - "Hey! Hey! Come here! Help me! I'm an enchanted prince, I need a woman who kiss me and transform back to dwarf form!"
Peasant - "Talking beast?! Wow! Guys up there would be glad to see that.". He grabbed the cage and hauled it up to the quarters.
Crocodile - "Hey! Did you hear that i say?! I'm a dwarf like you! Witch turned me into this! Damn, dwarfes grown REALLY dull, while i loafed down there."
...
Peasant - "Hey! Guys! Look that i got! He is talking!"
Crocodile - "Yes, talking, you dumbass! I'm telling you I'm dwarf, only looking like Crocodile! If a dwarf girl kiss me, I'll be dwarf again!"
Bookkeeper - "Oh, I remember... I was a little boy and my granny took me to puppet show, and the fairytale was about a prince turned into a beast, and a girl must kiss him to turn him dwarf again..."
Crocodile - "Oh, finally someone who shows a bit of common sence. That is exactly that happened to me! I need help!"
Bookkeeper - "Let's put him into our meeting room, he will tell fairytales. What can be better - a nice loaf of cheese and a tale!"
Crocodile - "OH SHI~"
Bookkeeper - "We'll call him Theater Romance, he's always telling that stuff about kisses, sorcery, fate and that crap... I'll tell my wife to make nice silk curtain for him, ho-ho!"

Chapter 3.

Some days later
Peasant - "Hey, that's with our Theater? He says no word other that "F#$K OFF!". Let he tell something funny - you know, dragons, knights and that crap..."
Caretaker - "Hey, Theater! Tell us something!"
Crocodile - "I SAID - F#$K OFF! Is it too difficult for your tiny oaken brain?!"
Crowd sadly - "Oooohhhh...."
Peasant - "What for we need him then? He just eats and shits, and does nothing!"
Broker - "Guys! Take him and bring to depot. That's gonna be a brillant deal! Those merchants got planty of delicious drinks..."
Crowd happily - "Hooray!"
Crocodile - "FUUUUUUUUU~"
Crocodile breaks from his cage and runs away, and miners armed with their picks chase him all over the fortress. After a hours or rushing, beating, biting, wrestling the Crocodile falls down breathlessly.
Broker - "Damn! Drinks!" - to the merchants packing their goods "Hey, wait a bit! We've got a lot of other cool things! Cmon, let's trade a bit more!"

The End.

The origin.

A Weaponsmith (she realy detests lizards) went to cave forest to take a wod log to stockpile, and got chased by cave crocodile. Finally the crocodile torn her head apart in a single charge, and got the name Stinhädâbir, "Theaterromance". Then he got caught into a cage trap. Later, when i wanted to sell him to merchants, he broke out of cage while it was hauled, and i had to draft all miners into squad to struck him down. --Peregarrett 12:07, 27 May 2010 (UTC)