40d:Stories/Goblin entryism: A threat to Dwarfkind

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D4Dwarf.png This article or section has been rated D for Dwarf. It may include witty humour, not-so-witty humour, bad humour, in-jokes, and references to the Bay12 forums. Don't believe everything you read, and if you miss some of the references, don't worry. It was inevitable.


There was once a time when dwarves and goblins had an agreement concerning their means of attack and defence in times of war. In defense, dwarves would employ the military to repel the invading goblins, who would likewise rely on weight of numbers and military strength to attempt to gain dominance over the opposing side.

However, this tacit agreement has long since fallen.

The dwarves speculate that the goblins, who spend much of their time between sieges churning out (-large copper daggers-) and (-narrow giant cave spider silk loincloths-) had always intended to resort to such cunning and evil and hence deserve the horrors that the dwarves employed in retaliation. They would point out, by contrast, that dwarves spend their time between sieges heavily drunk, innocently churning out barrels of various alcohols, as well as ≡stone mugs≡ from which to pointedly not drink out of (it was said by dwarves of old that dwarvenliness becomes much more dwarvenly when the means of rendering such dwarvenliness unnecessary are close at hand. They were drunk when they said this, but it stuck anyway. Furthermore, dwarven historians believe that the image of cheese, found engraved upon many a dwarven wall, is actually symbolic of this concept.)

The vile force of migrants - the most insidious method of invasion ever conceived, and devised by the most twisted and hateful of goblin scholars, followed shortly after the invention of the bag. Goblins discovered that through a series of brainwash techniques inflicted on dwarven children (interestingly, these techniques were derived from studies by goblin scholars on cats regarding their curious powers of hypnosis, also known as 'adoption') they could force the child into an allegiance with the goblins. Not only this, but the conversion also instilled in the captured dwarf a much increased appetite, potent powers of laziness, and an ability to complain so fiercely about anything and everything that even Legendary Consolers have been known to immediately succumb to melancholy when faced with one.

Following this goblin discovery and the subsequent capture of many dwarf children, the age-old convention of reciprocal dismemberment of dwarves and goblins alike was overturned. The final and fatal blow to dwarf-goblin 'diplomacy' was struck when the first migrants began to arrive, in their scores, to the humble fortress of Urist McHermit. The migrants had gotten wind of Urist's location, remote as it was, by asking a passing elven caravan, who happily divulged the information in exchange for a +rope reed earring+. The migrants converged on the hapless Urist, drinking all his booze and eating all his food.

Urist did not survive.

The attack of the goblin agents repulsed the dwarves. The following weeks saw the largest outburst of strange moods in the history of dwarfkind, which gave rise to the invention of spike traps, goblin bone bolts and crafts, stone fall traps, cage traps and weapon traps, magma moats as well as many of the components listed in trap design.

Details of Urist's brave plight are retold by many dwarven engravers - it is a terrifying image in the eyes of a dwarf, enough to put him off alcohol for weeks, and it is a favourite amongst engravers decorating the room of dwarves they have a particularly strong grudge against. Players of Dwarf Fortress may recognise it;

The Dwarves are travelling.

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