Unfortunate accident

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xTATTEREDx  · +FINE+  · *SUPERIOR*  · ≡EXCEPTIONAL≡  · ☼MASTERWORK☼

This article or section has been rated D for Dwarf. It may include witty humour, not-so-witty humour, bad humour, in-jokes, pop culture references, and references to the Bay12 forums. Don't believe everything you read, and if you miss some of the references, don't worry. It was inevitable.

"Unfortunate accident" in other Languages Dwarven: nasakam kuthdéng Elven: seno-favane matirè Goblin: rotsnuna smaxa Human: ob-jalew kepfu

Nobles are fragile, delicate, put-upon beings, burdened with responsibilities which are far more taxing than any lowly commoner could ever hope to wrap their booze-soaked brains around. However, your dear friends at Happy Fun Surprises Incorporated (Stock Exchange Symbol: "HFS") have prepared a wide variety of Fun activities to help your administrators unwind.

Lever of mystery

What activity could be more fit for nobility than the investigation of mysterious levers? Will it collapse the roof? Will it flood the world with magma? Will it simply lure the duchess into an enclosed space so the unwashed masses can barricade her in and flood it? Any noble -- no matter where they happen to be -- will surely come running to the lever's location to savor the thrill of the unknown!

Be sure to use the Workshop Profile screen to restrict the lever to the noble in need of some downtime - after all, it just wouldn't do to have some poor Urist Channelwork pull it instead.

Dwarven Spaceheater

Are your nobles abusing their mandate privileges? Perhaps they find their quarters to be on the chilly side. Simply construct one of the newest innovations in comfort, the Dwarven Spaceheater! Simply build a radiator base directed towards an adjacent lever. then, order the lever hooked up and pulled once, to confirm its function, and then place a fueled radiator on it. Your nobles will now bask in the tropical warmth of their quarters. Should they continue with their demands for adamantine socks and steel buckets, the most likely scenario is that the device has malfunctioned and their pleas for repair work are being interpreted as demands for yet another crystal glass window. The solution is simple, simply have the lever repeatedly pulled until it resumes operation. It is recommended to have the noble perform this themselves alone, to preserve their privacy and so that they may repair it themselves if it malfunctions again, through this is yet to occur. The resumption of heating should be easily discernible. Your noble will be bathed with warm air and will be contented to cease their demands. NOTE: the device and the furniture in the room should be of high-melting point construction, as the device can leak, particularly during 'maintenance'. An alternate method is to direct the airflow toward a bed, with maintenance controlled from a central control room.

TLDR: Put a minecart full of lava in their room on a track stop, with a lever to douse them.

Underground safari

The fantastic beasts lurking in the darkness of the underground caverns would surely captivate any noble with an appreciation for nature. Why not send them out into the darkness so they can experience these wonders for themselves? While your noble is out and about, make sure to keep an eye on the entryway in case any unruly commoners should attempt to wall it off. After all, what would happen if your baron got hungry, or was attacked by giant cave swallows, or had his face melted by a forgotten beast's venom, and there was no way for him to return to the safety of the fortress? The horror!

Throne room over troubled magma

Aside from being the home of many strange and wonderful beasts, the deepest places of the earth also give access to vast seas of magma. Imagine the powerful and intimidating effect of a throne room suspended over the sizzling surface of the abyssal planes! Such a throne room would befit only the greatest of nobles, of course. Common dwarves would have no place in such a suite. Therefore, be sure to build a retractable bridge from the shore to the throne room, with the associated lever placed inside the room.

The situation room

Your ever-loyal cadre of nobles have to make hard decisions every day that affect the economic and social future of your fortress. Debating psychosocial theory in front of the less-gifted working class may frighten and demoralize them. For this reason, place your Magenta Magnates inside a room with plenty of seating. Once all of your people are inside, lock the door behind them while they hash out a plan. To assist in the discussion, you may wish to place a bin of debating tools in the room with them. Nobles under pressure think quickly, particularly on an empty stomach.

Speartiful

Your wonderful nobles love the beautiful weapons that come out of your forges. Why else would they ask for weapon racks? Maybe you should make them happy and give them some weapons. Simply lay a bunch of upright spears or other beautiful things on the floor of their room and they'll come begging for more. Now, you may want to link those spears to a lever and pull it so they can actually walk around their room, remember to leave it on repeat so they'll be able to see the wonders that your weaponsmiths made every passing second. Just make sure they aren't in the room while the spears are in motion, or your nobles may become dwarven Swiss cheese and die before their screams can even be heard. And, if possible, whatever you do, don't use adamantine spears!

Exotic housing

What more could your nobles want than some truly fantastic housing to call their own? Maybe you can build them a huuuuge tower, balancing on a single support as a miracle of dwarven engineering? Or perhaps a house made of glass, which is then flooded over? No door required, that'd just ruin the view. Maybe even a palace down a great hole, where you could throw new friends that have come to visit your fortress?

Grave(n) image

The nobles serve everyday, day after day, to tirelessly serve your fort. All they demand are some nice furniture for their personal rooms and some recognition. Symbolizing their eternal bond with the mountains, be sure to sculpt it from obsidian. What could be better? Make sure it's fresh by casting it on near the noble. To ensure that the image is special, arrange for the likeness to be created by only the finest mason. If done correctly, the noble will be forever invested in the fortress, to the delight of the workers.

Artifact

What could be possibly better than a big, imposing artifact made from for a noble, as a tribute to how special the noble is? Simply house a noble next to a craftsdwarf's, leatherworker's, or butcher's workshop, and house as well the unhappy, disgruntled hauler next to it. Wait. And when a beautiful laughter is heard, make sure the happy dwarf is next to the noble, so he can share the fun! Make also sure the resulting artifact is made so it records the noble's life!

Immortality

Every noble's dream is to rule forever, so make them happy ! Rather than murdering honoring the noble, what about making them eternal and fit to rule? Make them drink the blood of the children of the night! Let them partake in the gift of shapechanging beasts! Then isolate them to let them ponder on their new status for a while, make sure they do not have a room worthy of their standing, then when they are suitably happy about immortality, or suddenly unhappy about it, let them outside and welcome them as utterly insane and harmless the reasonable rulers they are! If the dwarf is frustrated by the experience, though, there is no need to worry! Build an engraved gold house, persuade them into their new home and let them rule from there!

Diplomatic outreach

There's nothing a good noble loves more than politics and diplomacy. In fact, the next time a disgruntled group of goblins shows up, your nobles would be downright miffed if they didn't get a chance to practice their diplomacy. Designate a diplomatic outpost in front of your fortress, and make sure it is well stocked with food and alcohol. That way, your nobles can have many long, engaging conversations with your neighboring goblins. I'm sure they will be very productive.

Talk like a pirate day

Plenty of nobles enjoy celebrating International Talk Like a Pirate Day, on the 19th of Limestone. So let your favorite member of the nobility have a little fun with it, to get into the spirit of the holiday. Maybe give him a pet parrot. Or build a ship and let him sail the ocean blue. If he doesn't feel in the mood, the other scurvy dogs will be quite pleased to make that landlubber walk the plank.

Tropical vacation

Every noble would love to go to areas with a warm climate, but why stop there? Take him to a place fit for a dwarf king, somewhere hot and underground! He could chat with the locals, and have lots of Fun! If he gets stressed, there are plenty of native hot tubs to take a break in! If he doesn't feel convinced, there is always room for the king!

Grand Arena

Many nobles may look upon the brave defenders of our fort with envy as they tirelessly do battle with goblins and other pesky creatures who would seek to undo all our hard work. They wish only that they could prove their bravery and prowess in combat like our brave defenders do on a daily basis. While our nobles may not be able to descend onto the field of battle like our soldiers do, there's still a fine solution to this problem: build a grand arena for nobles everywhere to test their strength in bloody combat! Simply provide your nobles with fine weapons and durable armor and direct them to the arena. Once there, provide them with a suitably powerful foe against which they may prove their mettle! Be sure to lock the doors behind your nobles, of course; they would never forgive themselves if they were to lose their nerve and flee. Should they vanquish their opponent, simply provide them with another to ensure that they may drink deeply from the cup of victory!